Crying & Playing
I recently heard someone tell a toddler who was upset and crying, “You have to stop crying before we can go play”. Since I knew the individuals involved and was aware of the context, I can say that the statement was made in a firm manner with little sympathy or empathy for the crying child’s emotions. There was no attempt to help the child who was upset regulate themself. This statement is not dissimilar from things I remember hearing as a kid growing up myself and it maybe makes sense on a very surface level.
If a child encounters a statement like this once, twice, or infrequently, it’s probably not the end of the world if countered by other types of statements. On the other hand, if this is the primary type of message children receive, it could potentially be quite harmful in the long run because of the types of messages it conveys to the child.
At the heart of this statement, “You have to stop crying before we can go play” is a message that crying is not acceptable or ok. The statement conveys to the child that the adult cannot have fun with them or interact with them when the child is experiencing negative emotions. These kinds of statements about emotion, repeated over time, tell the child that their feelings of being upset are not allowed and / or not ok. This can lead to the child developing various types of emotion regulation strategies that are generally considered to be less healthy, because they are linked to problems like anxiety and depression.
Another thing I see in this kind of statement is that there is no support at all for the child in regulating their emotions, as well as an expectation that a young child can simply regulate themselves and turn off the tears (or whatever other emotion) at the snap of a finger. Adults can’t even do that! Nor should anyone have to do that - all emotions are ok.
Perhaps at some level, it makes sense to say stop crying before we play - but not worded in that way. If kids are crying, there is something going on. It’s our job as parents to help discover what that is and do something about it. In some cases, that may be as simple as going to play with them while they are still crying, as a healthy distraction from their distress. But your response will depend on the situation.
Kids, and frankly many adults, simply cannot regulate their emotions easily on their own or in a short timeframe. And messages that emotions are not ok won’t help anyone in the long run.
If you want to learn more about what you can do to help your kids learn emotion regulation strategies and encourage emotional health, reach out for a no-obligations consultation!
