Understanding why my toddler is engaging in defiant behavior and having frequent meltdowns is critical to building my relationship with them and determining what to do about it.

In parts 1 & 2, we established that the why is very simply the fact that defiance is a normal and necessary developmental process that kids need to go through. It really isn’t something that ever stops, if you think about it. We also engage in what could be classified as defiant behavior to establish our independence as adults, but that’s a bit of a tangent.

In addition to the why of the defiant behavior, we also need to understand that the tough thing about the developmental process of growing independence with little kids is that their brains still have a lot of limitations. Specifically, little kids are largely governed by their emotions, over which they have precious little control, including a lack of ability to regulate the emotions that consume them. They also have a limited ability to verbally communicate their thoughts and feelings, which is really frustrating.

These factors make our job as parents much harder. It is very easy to get entangled with the emotions of those we love. It is also easy and natural to fall back on the logic and reason our brains are capable of, and expect that using these will lead to our children behaving “reasonably”. Again, these are normal and reasonable responses and ideas based on how you function as an adult, but they will not make life with little kids easier and will likely not lead to your desired outcome of managing the “No!” machines.

Here is how I take the why of my child’s defiant behavior and turn it into both a relationship builder and a way to determine what to do:

I acknowledge that a big part of my job as a parent is to help my child become an independent, thriving person. In a relatively short time, they will be an adult out in the world and they need my help to do that effectively, especially in the early years. I also acknowledge that my child is currently unable to regulate or process their emotions and that they have a limited ability to communicate with me about their feelings, wants, and needs.

These acknowledgements lead me to pause when my gut reaction is to respond with irritation or stress when my child is acting defiantly. I pause and remember the why of what’s happening and their limitations.

I begin to extricate my own feelings from the process and reorient to figuring out what they need from me. Setting aside my negative feelings from the interaction and focusing on how I can help changes the interaction between my child and myself. Instead of building resentment and frustration, we are building understanding and partnership.

Then, I focus on what they need from me - help regulating their emotions; communicating their wants, needs, and feelings; and the establishment of boundaries.

I get it - this is all easier said, than done. And I have a lot of practice with patience, doing these things, and knowledge about how it all works. But you can learn too and change the way you parent, if you’re unhappy with how things are going. Book a free intro call with me to learn more and / or check out more of my content!