Let me catch you up on where we’re at from Part 1:

You’re having reasonable, normal responses to your child’s defiant behavior - irritation, frustration, giving in and / or giving up, stress, etc.

I’ll take a moment here to repeat: You are having reasonable and normal responses. This kind of behavior is irritating and stressful, especially when accompanied by things like embarrassing public tantrums that seem like they will never end.

We’ve established that the pairing between your child’s behavior and your responses, no matter how reasonable and normal, do unfortunately result in many parents feeling stuck in a miserable cycle of power struggles and the like. Even if it doesn’t necessarily become a constant cycle, it can certainly lead to feeling like more days than not are “bad” days.

Let’s return again to the premise of this 3-part blog to see how we can begin to get unstuck. As I said in Part 1, “Understanding why people do what they do goes a long way in building our relationships with them and in helping us determine how to respond to their behavior”.

The defiant behavior of your child is completely developmentally normal and appropriate. Kids need to learn to become independently functioning beings and this is the beginning of what will become a life-long skill. THIS IS THE WHY. The why is not to irritate you, frustrate you, to push your buttons or most of the reasons that typically lead us to feel irritated and stressed (it may seem like your kid is trying to push your buttons, but this is actually a function of behavioral principles and needs it’s own blog post)!

What would change in your feelings about your kid’s defiant behavior, if you could sit back and soak in the knowledge that they are just engaging in normal, necessary developmental learning?

I know that it changes everything for me. I now see the problem as something that is necessary for my kids and that I, as the parent, have an opportunity to help with and influence.

Follow along with the blog for Part 3, where I talk about learning to use this knowledge to build relationships and determine how to respond.